You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
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Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
