ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
How's work?
Spinning.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
