So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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