If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize