No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize