Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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