he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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