I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize