Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
is that a dick in a sweater?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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