I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
