How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
