Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
