there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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