I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
