she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
