i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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