1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
