I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my shit smells like andre
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize