Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
