I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
