The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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