I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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