Old men and throwing up are my life now.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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