After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
