i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
