I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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