I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
