Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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