You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
All I want is dick and wine.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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