Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
