Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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