Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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