You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
