She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
