My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize