Where is the hickey?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He? As in you personified your dick?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
