I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
