I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
