allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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