Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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