I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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