Four minutes until I can fart!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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