why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
