I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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