Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
