i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I look better un-naked...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
