I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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