I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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