i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
