Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
