i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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