you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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