I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
