So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
