At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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