Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
