I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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