I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
