Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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