do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
