got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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