i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
