What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i came on her dog
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
