I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
