i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize