woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
