i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
