i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I have tasted many bathrooms
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