I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
