May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
